Skip to content My boyfriend and I met each other for the first time with a simple, straight to the heart conversation about us painful separations. We were two souls who suffered from great disappointments and were wronged by our ex-lovers. We ran away from love and relationships for years. We did not look for it, nor did we want it. And ironically, our shared suffering from depression, due to our painful breakups, became the topic that engaged us in a heated conversation.
Broken promises, broken dreams of commitment had elevated our belief in the concept of “happily ever after”. Is there such a thing as a happy ending? Can I fall in love again? These doubts came to my mind many times. But to my surprise, I met a man who had battled similar doubts and issues after his breakup.
We talked together about the huge investment each of us made in our previous relationships. Only to come back with broken hearts, ingratitude and indifference thrown at us after years of relationship. We laughed at our fate, laughed at our situations and swam in each other’s silences. The warm afternoon sun of that day not only brightened our faces, but also slowly melted our ice-cold hearts.
With each passing day, we step forward towards a new future.
The element of our relationship was built on the platform of friendship.
We are friends who will accept each other as we are, without judgment. Sometimes I felt like we were an odd-looking couple out of an Imtiaz Ali movie. We were seen laughing like maniacs in the streets, talking animatedly in restaurants and sometimes just thinking about life while we gazed at the stars.
From celebrity breakups to crazy fads, we’ve had room to discuss everything under the sun. “Deepika Padukone in Race 2 is the hottest thing on the planet” he would say when he was burning. I will do the opposite by adding it “Hrithik Roshan was the one who set the temperature in Bang Bang.” Then we’ll beat the daylights out of each other with our famous crushes.
There was something very optimistic and adventurous about both of us. We were two people who were just looking for life together and painting the city red. We had crazy adventures and hilarious moments that we cherished so much.
I remember that day, when my pet friend wrapped our leftover alo parathas in aluminum foil. He wanted to give it to street dogs in Mumbai. He was surrounded by 7 people who smelled and looked at the package in his hand. My friend enthusiastically tore pieces of parathas and said in typical Amrish Puri (Definitely from DDLJ) style “Whoa Whoa” as he threw them near the dogs. They smelled the pieces, and in a split second, they just disappeared from the scene. The discarded, neglected pieces of paratha just lay there sadly in the dust. My partner looked at me curiously. His noble work of feeding stray dogs, ironically became Andolani against Modiji’s Swachh Bharat Campaign. And I? Well, I kept laughing at him.
And then there was the moment, when I desperately needed to cook, at the gas pump wash. The women’s meeting was closed. And my poor friend had to defend the men’s wash while I did my job. Trust us to become a duo jugadu. Going for walks, playing soccer in the park, and fighting for hours over each other’s Netflix spoof in Wild Wild Country, we’ve been there and done that.
But our fun filled memorable moments slowly stopped.
I was moody. I started fighting and arguing with him for the smallest reasons. I’ll usually be talking to him and then all of a sudden go quiet, I’ll remember something. My friend noticed a certain pattern in my behavior during our relationship. I will unknowingly talk a lot about my ex. And it was definitely not a good place. I will bring him up unconsciously on topics, sometimes in intimate situations. I would go silent after talking about a past experience with my ex that upset me, or if I listened to his favorite music. My wife did not say a word of displeasure or disappointment when this happened.
He ignored my reckless behavior, until one cloudy day, he felt he had to ask me an important question. “Does it still hurt?” he asked me very seriously looking into my eyes, waiting for an answer. “What are you saying? What hurts? I’m fine… You know, I don’t have any feelings for him.” I spoke quickly in the graves. “Look! You know you can tell me what’s bothering you.” he told me with a straight and indifferent face.
I looked at him and shook my legs. I hesitated to tell him this, because I was afraid he wouldn’t take it the right way. And besides, there were many things that he did not reveal to me. I remembered our discussions, when my friend used to hide in his shell, when he faced difficulties or problems. Over the years, he was so used to facing his problems and presenting a tough image to the world. He felt no need to open up to me about his insecurities and weaknesses. And sometimes I felt that he forgot now, I was there in his life, to share every happiness and sadness with him.
I was anxious and stubborn not to tell him about my problems, just as he would not tell me about his problems. And when he again encouraged me to open up about what was going on, I just exploded at him. “You barely open up to me about what’s going on with you. You sit there and think about something, then break up when I ask you. You hypocritically preach open communication when you won’t tell me about your problems yourself. So why do I have to tell you about mine?”
There was a change in his body language as he slowly changed his demeanor. His stiff shoulders were limp and drooping, his fingers twitched, and his eyes looked sad, almost remorseful. And I could see that he was not expecting this sudden aggressive response from me.
“We… I… I don’t know what to tell you! You know, all this is not easy for me. I mean, after my breakup, I went through a lot of self-esteem, self-esteem issues. I felt betrayed by those who were dearest to me. I was weak and insecure. And just stopped talking to people. I prefer to be myself. I guess I was alone. I…umm.. started to feel like people wanted to listen to my problems just to take advantage of it, not to help me overcome it. I didn’t want anyone to see this side of me”.
At this moment, I stopped, and I approached him. I held his hand, looked into his eyes and told him “Am I the only person for you? You think about me in the future, how will any of that happen, if you are not ready to accept my presence in your life? Look, I am sorry that you felt that you were alone then. And you faced every challenge, big and small, without a soulmate to share. But now, I am there in your life.
Can we just take one step closer to building a deeper meaning in our relationship?”
He just squeezed my hand and wrapped me in his arms… And from then on he slowly opened up about how his painful breakup changed him as a person. He told me how he stopped trusting people. He started hiding many secrets from his family. My partner told me about that time, he gradually changed from a bright enthusiastic student to someone who struggled to concentrate in studies. He lost his zest for life, as well as his interest in hobbies.
And as he spoke, I realized that the person in front of me had missed a part of me. A part that was innocent, confident, trusting and believed in romance. He doubted the world, didn’t trust people easily and sometimes he was very hard on himself. But I knew that every part of me loved my friend for who he was, without a care in the world. It was not easy for him to accept this. Yet his words showed courage and faith even though his eyes were wet with sadness.
When that was over, it was my turn to address the elephant in the room.
“Now tell me honestly, does it still hurt? Do you still remember the memories of the past times that hurt you?” He was unnaturally calm and told me what he had noticed about me over the past two weeks. I humbled myself and reluctantly admitted that it might still be too difficult for me to overcome the pain. I felt that my eyes were filled with tears, my chest suddenly started to hurt. “It hurts okay… It really does. After everything I’ve done for him, why do I have to go through all the pain, even now? I can’t recognize him. He’s changed so much, and I feel like he took a part of me with him.”. My body shook from my sudden emotional outburst and my head shook, wanting to explode with the emotions I’d been holding in for so long, searching for an outlet, an opportunity to just let go.
He looked at me empathetically with his loving eyes and said to me,
“I want you to do something for us, for our relationship. You will tell me everything about your ex and your relationship with him. Don’t hesitate, don’t miss any details, even if it has to do with your intimacy with him.
This sounded like the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. Why does my present want to know about my past, even in detail? Wouldn’t that be a very awkward and uncomfortable thing for him?
But after I calmed down, I started talking. And God! I spoke, after years of keeping the pain to myself. When I remembered the painful words that were said to me, my eyes got teary, when I remembered the many nights I wet my pillow, I cried. The tone of pain that held me strong for years was replaced by a warm protective embrace. A hug that I talked to for 3 hours without taking a breath. I felt weak as I remembered the painful moments I felt I had flushed out of my system. But little did I know that they were still part of my Recycle Bin, still disturbing my peace of mind, acting as an unexpected obstacle to my future.
I finally finished sharing all my experiences with my ex, the good, the bad, the bad, the memorable, the painful… I let out a sigh and looked at my partner. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and wiped my face that was dry with tears. He pulls me close and kisses my forehead gently;
Then he asked me “Do you feel lighter?“
I felt a huge lump on my chest as I let my partner into every corner of my past. I felt free, and my heart was filled with gratitude, towards him and our relationship. The euphoric feeling I got that day was indescribable.
He told me,
“The experiences, good or bad, that you have had in your past have shaped you into who you are. So if I truly accept you for who you are, that means I must also know and accept your past in its entirety. And most importantly, does it matter to me now? No, it doesn’t. So why should I judge you?”
His words stayed with me, giving me a new meaning to love, and the growth of our relationship. And believe it or not, that was the last time I unknowingly talked about my ex. I had let out what was inside of me, until now there was no more pain or hurt in my heart. That day, we both took steps to move forward in our relationship, connecting with each other on a deeper level. From sharing our experiences of pain and suffering, we went a little further in sharing our emotions and feelings of trauma during the trial. We gave each other space, listened to each other to openly express everything that has been bothering us for years.
So it’s amazing, if you ask me how it all started.
It all started on a sunny afternoon, when we talked about our past, and grew into a cloudy night, when we poured our hearts out about the pain we faced in our past relationships.
And be it the beginning of something new, or the growth of an ongoing relationship. It was all because of a direct heart-to-heart conversation about our future……
