Too Much? Stop Being A Doormat - WeConcile

Last updated on August 14, 2026 at 10:39 am

What is a door?

I’ve been creating short videos to help people understand the different elements of what makes a relationship work or not. My most popular video ever is on the door. Being a gatekeeper is a term I got from Al-Anon years ago. This means that we are the one who is being stepped on. The only one there is us, without need. Today, we are going to examine the door opening.

Elements of being a gate

A gatekeeper is someone who puts up too much of themselves and doesn’t demand enough from others. This often includes:

Fear of abandonment.
They don’t know how to set a limit.
They do not know their own worth.

Being a gatekeeper is painful.

This means that you can be easily manipulated.
How you deal with bad situations.
That you give up your own needs to stay connected, and you can take care of others at your own expense.

If you tend to be outgoing, you probably won’t get what you need until you learn self-confidence.

Why are you the door?

Now why does this happen? Why do people resist too much and not ask enough?

As humans, we naturally need to be mirrored by our caregivers. We need to be seen as good, worthy and appreciated. And even though our parents or caregivers mostly see us this way, there is always a gap between what we need and what we get.

For example, suppose your mother was more interested in having fun than being there for you. Or if your father never made time for you. Often, in those types of scenarios, it creates a sense of failure or inadequacy in the child. The ways in which our exact needs are not met are endless and often subtle.

Winnicott came up with the concept of “good enough” parents. It doesn’t mean we have to be perfect as parents; we just have to be good enough. So, this is not about beating the parents. It’s the realization that as imperfect humans, even if we do our best, we probably won’t meet the needs of each of our children.

Move to

We all have wounds because of the gap between what we need and what we get. Ways we don’t feel good enough. The ways we were not accepted. Ways we doubt ourselves or our worth.

This makes us hungry to fill those gaps and address those needs. And as a result we may fear abandonment. We may sacrifice ourselves to keep the person we love close to us. We may face unacceptable behavior. We may end up “under the door.”

A journey of learning and healing

For many of us, this sets us on a learning curve. In order to have a good relationship, we must learn how to be with the one we love in a way that honors both of us. We have to decide how hard we want to be healthy. We want to make good choices. We want to be important not only to our colleagues, but also to ourselves. We want to understand the limits. We want to be confident and not listen to the voices (internal or external) that discourage us or tell us lies.

Sometimes we have a friend who helps us with this by supporting us. Other times we have a partner who helps us do this by being scary, by not being there, by being manipulative, or by treating us badly. When we struggle with the emotions that arise and seek tools and abilities that we do not yet have, we embark on a journey of self-healing.

Learning how to assert and carry your self-worth in a relationship is a spiritual and emotional journey full of meaning. Healing may be part of your life purpose and a major achievement in your life.

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