Managing Disappointment in a Relationship - WeConcile

Last updated on August 14, 2026 at 10:39 am

Difficulty with weak emotions

What do you do when you are disappointed in your partner?

In particular, what we do when we’re disappointed in our partners reveals our difficulties with our hurt feelings. These include feelings of pain, abandonment, sadness, guilt, shame, and brokenness.

What we do (behavior) when we are frustrated, hurt, or feeling frustrated also reveals our coping strategies and, in turn, our ability to create good or bad relationships.

Our behavior reveals many things about us:

That’s what we’re struggling with
Why are our relationships difficult?
How we got rid of the previous difficulties
Our link styles
And more

Non-Optimal Strategies for Despair

There are many non-optimal ways to deal with our emotions. Some of these coping strategies are very destructive to our relationships. Some game changers may be red flags that suggest a relationship is unproductive and will repeatedly cause harm.

Cut, Cut, or Both?

If someone was a client of mine whose behavior negatively affected their relationship with their partner, I would help them fully connect with their difficult feelings and change how they deal with them.

If someone was hurt by another person’s survival strategies, and that other person wasn’t willing to do the work to change them, I might suggest that the relationship had irreplaceable boundaries and work on self-care with the person who is permanently wounded.

Of course, it is usually not one-sided. Usually (but not always) two people hurt each other through their actions. We tend to create repetitive patterns of difficulty in our relationships.

I miss you

When you disappoint me, I punish you so that I don’t feel my weak feelings.
When you disappoint me, I withdraw because I need to regroup and process my raw emotions.
When you let me down I chase you or hug you because I can’t stand my feelings of helplessness.
When you let me down, I shut down and die because I can’t handle my weak feelings.
When you let me down, I find someone else to be with because I can’t handle my vulnerable feelings.
When you let me down, I fantasize about other people because I can’t stand my feelings of helplessness.
When you let me down, I go into a drug addiction because I can’t stand my feelings of helplessness.
I want to hurt myself when you let me down because I can’t handle my weak feelings.
When you let me down, I get angry because I can’t handle my vulnerable feelings.

Change Tools

Tools for changing our survival strategies include:

Getting in touch with our deepest weaknesses
Self-reflection and, as a result, understanding
Deactivating our triggers
Healing
Authentic and dangerous communication

Each of these helps in changing our behavior from destructive to productive and ultimately helps to create a secure attachment style in our relationship.

Our connection opens up when we start editing and applying the above tools.

When you disappoint me, I tell you I’m disappointed and ask if we can talk about what happened, how your actions affected me, my needs, and maybe my historical wounds.

Opening up to this kind of communication—assuming both parties are willing to look after themselves, be accountable, and change—is how to move from patterns that don’t work to a conscious and loving relationship.

Also, we may respond differently to an attachment figure when we are disappointed in a life or event. For example, when I am frustrated by a life event, I may feel defeated in some way. I might cry and feel depressed until I come back and feel normal again.

Attachment Styles

Of course, how we handle our disappointments creates attachment patterns. Because most of our behavior stems from attachment deficits that occurred when we were developing and are now being corrected in an attachment style.

But when we feel frustrated, go back to our behavior in our relationships.

For someone who has an anxious communication style, which is also known, when they are frustrated, they may start stalking. This can look different for different people. For example, they may be a bit aggressive and aggressive or try to beg and get their partner close to them. Either way, they will approach their partner in anger or fear.

For someone with an Avoidant, also referred to as a detached attachment style, they will likely withdraw when frustrated.

For someone with Disorganized Communication, also known as Fearful-Avoidant, they may go forward and then withdraw.

A person with a Secure attachment style will likely be able to talk about their partners, frustrations, and needs.

Disappointment in Self

Sometimes when we watch our behavior, we feel disappointed. We may become reactive, ugly, hateful. We may go and leave our spouse. We know we are hurting them. We want to do better. We just don’t know how to deal with the intensity of our emotions. Self-disappointment shows that we have a conscience. It means we don’t want to hurt anyone else. If we don’t let go of our bad behavior, we may drift into narcissism—which will certainly take some work to shift. But back again we are disappointed with ourselves. What can we do?

See this as an opportunity for growth and development.
Learn more about what’s happening in you.
Learn to overcome that trigger/destroy – meaning to heal this part of you.
Discuss what is happening with your partner. Include the parts you are responsible for and the parts you struggle with.
Tell yourself you will learn this.
Tell yourself that you don’t need to hate yourself. You just have some work to do.

development

We can change and evolve. We grow up. We are rewiring. We are constantly evolving. Just because we have a behavior doesn’t mean we will always behave that way. As we use the tools available to us and act more effectively, we can change how we act when we respond to our distressing emotions. Finally, we can create good relationships that are close and supportive.

The WeConcile application

Try the WeConcile app! It will help you deal with disappointments in your relationship and develop new ways of communicating.

There will always be a free trial for the Premium Subscription version.

The Freemium version only gives a small taste but not the full experience.

We also fixed the bugs and we continue to make the WeConcile App better and better, so try the new and better version.

Learn more about attachment styles here:

Using Complementary Types to Improve Communication

And this post might interest you:

Grow your relationship with an Attachment Style Quiz

Source:

Communication Styles & Their Role in Relationships