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In this week’s episode Baggage Reclaim SessionsI chat with licensed psychologist Suzy Reading, author of How To Be Selfish, about “selfishness” and why reclaiming your right to be yourself is important to healing your relationship with yourself and creating reciprocity in our relationships.
We examine how childhood experiences systematically disconnect us from our needs and emotions. From not being allowed to use the bathroom at school to innovative messages about resilience, gratitude, and post-traumatic growth, these deny true human expression and blame us for the struggle. Are you worried that being selfish makes you selfish? Are you stuck in a cycle of nothingness while waiting for others to notice? Struggling to articulate your needs because you have so much talking in your head but so little coming out of your mouth? This section offers practical advice and guidance for living just as important as you.
IN THIS EPISODE…
- By creating healthier boundaries and honoring yourself you are not being selfish. The traditional understanding of a selfish person is someone who puts himself forward only to harm or exploit others. But resting after caring for others all day, voting for preferences, not responding to requests, or accepting offered help, these are not selfish actions; they are self-defense.
- The state of childhood systematically disconnects us from our bodies and our needs. We’ve been raised to believe that certain emotions and needs make us less than they are, that conformity is “good” and anything that doesn’t conform is “bad.”
- Toxic resistance and messages of gratitude deny the true human experience. Modern messages about resilience, gratitude, and post-traumatic growth have expected people to be unaffected by life, to grow with whatever they go through, and to feel guilty for struggling when others fare worse. These “suffering Olympics” create emotional sieges, where you override real emotions to appear resilient, compare your messy insides to others’ polished exteriors, and erase your wounds without admitting them.
- Kinginess stems from a voiceless desperation or unmet need. Resentment occurs when there is a gap between what you want to do and what you feel compelled to do. For highly sensitive people who naturally read and meet other people’s needs before they are spoken, anger arises when it is not reciprocated.
- Small acts of self-reliance have the power to accumulate. Returning home does not require elaborate self-care routines. Simple practices like asking “How am I doing today?”, cleaning your face, hugging for softness, noticing when you haven’t eaten or used the bathroom, feeling the sunlight on your skin, or sending a text message build into small habits that communicate “I’m someone who takes care of myself.”
RECOMMENDED LINKS AND SUGGESTED RESOURCES
- Suzy Reading’s Instagram, where you can enjoy her daily love notes.
- Suzy’s latest book, How to Be Self-Employed
- More from Suzy’s books: Rest to Reset and This Book will help you be happy
- My book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop Being Nice, Take Back Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want
- Embrace Healthy Boundaries: An audio course about boundaries for people who have lost themselves trying to keep everyone else happy.
- Ep. 242: But will you get in trouble? (and the Age of Obedience)
- Ep. 307: Why Happiness Shows and What to Do About It
- Ep. 276: Christmas, New Years, and Discovering the Dark Side of the Happy People
- Ep. 248: Be Honest About Self-Esteem
- Ep. 229: Burning out of existence for others
- Ep. 71: Career difficulty, The Self-Care SandwichFoolish Jealousy
- Ep. 233: Eek, Am I Doing My Own Evil?
- Ep. 219: You are allowed to rest
- From Emotional Closure to Self-Compassion: The Development of My Self
- Knowing the Line Between Putting Yourself First and Being “Selfish”.
- We Should Talk About “Selfish”.
- Having Needs and Limits Doesn’t Make You a Bad Person
- Why don’t you take advantage of these “good qualities” that you are attached to?
- My book, 100 Days of Reclaiming the Bag, is filled with small acts of self-reliance that create higher self-esteem and more loving relationships and experiences.
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