Who to talk to (or not) about a potential breakup - Individual and Couples Therapy

When one or both partners are considering divorce, they may not know who to take the issue with. As a result, mistakes may be made due to the stress involved, which may have lasting uncomfortable consequences. Here are some common mistakes people make:

One mistake is to not tell anyone, often out of shame or not knowing the danger in reality. The result is isolation and washing in water.

A second mistake is to tell the world. You’ve seen it: everyone at work, church, and book club is told. The spouse is angry because he is the bad guy for a marital crisis. And people are starting to take sides.

A third mistake is to talk to the wrong people, such as your partner’s relatives and friends – which will feel like withdrawal and make things worse for everyone involved.

First, Consider Your Children’s Well-Being (of any age).

Don’t share with them first. Let some dust settle before bringing them in and shaking them. First share your concerns with other mature people (see below).

Make sure your feelings are settled first, or you’ll invite them to care, and maybe help you. It is a difficult task for them.

Wait a while to see if your partner is open to the idea of divorce.

Who can you talk to then?

Ideally alone one or more very trusted friends or family members. Here are some criteria to use in choosing a trustee.

Someone who will listen and empathize but not take sides with your partner.
Someone who will be reluctant to give advice and prefers to help you sort out your options.
No one will tell you to just accept divorce as inevitable.
Someone who shows compassion for your partner and not just you.
Someone who is positive about marriage (away from marriage doubters) and can hold hope for your marriage.
A professional who can help you think more deeply, such as a counselor/personal therapist.

What to Share

Tell them what you need – care, support, constructive challenge, and companionship for you and your marriage.

You don’t need to share your marriage problems with others. It may become gossip, get to your partner, and lead to a difficult reconciliation or breakup. Plan well!

In Sum, open, don’t go through this crisis alone, but choose your confidants wisely.