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You may be Dr. His life’s work on marital stability and divorce prediction has been well documented in the national media, and he was even featured in a #1 bestseller. Observations by Malcolm Gladwell.
After watching thousands of couples argue in his lab, he was able to identify specific negative communication patterns that predicted divorce. He called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they are criticizing, belittling, defensive, and stonewalling.
Of the Four Horsemen, contempt is the most destructive because it says, “I’m better than you. I don’t respect you.” In fact, it is so devastating that couples who treat each other with respect are more likely to get sexually transmitted diseases than couples who don’t treat each other with respect. Humiliation is intended to make people feel humiliated and worthless.
They treat others with disrespect and insult and mock them with insults and disrespect. So is hostile humor, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye rolling and laughing.
In his book Why Marriage Fails or FailsDr. Gottman notes:
When disrespect starts to plague your relationship, you tend to completely forget about your partner’s positive qualities, at least when you’re upset. You cannot remember a single positive quality or action. This immediate destruction of admiration is an important reason why insults should be banned from marital relations.
Humility destroys the bond that holds men and women together securely. It is impossible to build rapport when your relationship is devoid of respect.
Let me introduce some of my practice. After five years together, Chris and Mark (names have been changed for anonymity) find their marriage in tatters. Chris felt ostracized, shamed and blamed by Mark.
Chris says in my office: “I can’t believe you think it’s okay to talk to me the way you do. The things you say to me make me feel terrible. It’s like you keep thinking I’m crazy.”
“What? I’m just stating the facts,” Mark justifies as he rolls his eyes.
“Okay, what you’re saying is hurtful. What do you mean?” Chris asks.
Mark says: “I am constantly disappointed by the things you say and do. Your logic makes no sense to me.” His reluctance to influence himself or take responsibility is inevitable.
“If I talk to you like that, you’ll lose your mind,” says Chris.
“Whatever,” Mark blurts out.
Chris has stopped loving Mark, and Mark mostly ignores his complaints at this point. Hatred has completely taken over their relationship.
Here is the good news. The ability of Dr does not change over time. You can reverse a belittling pattern in your relationship before it’s too late. The antidote lies in building love and admiration.
Dr. Gottman discovered that the best way to measure love and admiration is to ask partners about their past. How to meet? What were their first impressions of each other?
If a relationship is in crisis, it is not possible for friends to be very complimentary by talking about the current situation. Talking about past happy events, however, helps many couples.
If a couple can rekindle their love and admiration for each other, they are more likely to approach conflict resolution as a team, and their growing sense of “we-ness” will keep them as connected as they felt when they first met.
I see a glimmer of hope when I ask couples how they fell in love. Partners talk about how attractive they think their partner is. How funny they were. How angry and excited they felt around each other.
Despite all the pain and negative emotions that have accumulated over the years, there is still a reservoir of friendship. The key is to get that barn back into the fire, and the best way to do that is to create a culture of appreciation and respect in the relationship.
Dr. Gottman teaches couples to look at their partner through colored glasses. Instead of telling them they are doing something wrong, catch them doing something right and praise them for it. Even the little things. I love how you did your hair today. Thanks for getting my favorite ice cream. Thank you for filling your vacuum without me asking you.
Recognizing disrespect is the first step to getting your relationship back on track. If you and your partner need a little help, you may benefit from marriage counseling.