They Listen But Do You Hear? So – Relationships That Work

You are talking to your partner.

He leans on you while washing the dishes.

What you say is important. You get uh-huhs and mm-mmms, he even responds with comments that let you know he hears you.

So why do you feel unheard?

Because someone who hears you and you feel that you are listening are related, but different.

Now, before I go any further, I would like to suggest that having an important conversation while one of you is involved in another job is not a great idea.

An irresponsible possession, taking on the day convoy why one or both of you do something else – of course.

In general, the sense of hearing involves the listener choosing to connect emotionally with what the speaker is saying.

That’s why deep listening can feel so effortless, because it requires feeling in our experiences (which is also one of the reasons why it’s more difficult for men, because of the emotional connection part).

If you’re a parent of a young child, you know that most of the things they say to you don’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

It may be a toy, or a dream, or something that happened at school that will be forgotten later, tomorrow or in a few months.

It can be easy to get sidetracked against the big important things you have in mind, right?

But here is the important thing. What they share is VERY important to them.

What matters to you is not the content of what they share, but their feelings about it.

Now, in our adult relationships, the content of what we talk about needs attention, but so do the feelings.

When we pay attention to the feelings that someone is sharing, and relate to them, then they will begin to really listen.

Especially if what they are talking about is something that has activated their nervous system (anger, sadness, joy, shame etc.), acknowledging and feeling that emotion will help them, even relax a bit.

if you tell me ‘I felt really unimportant to you when you forgot to pick up my prescription from the pharmacy’and i answer’Ok I’ll go and get it now’you will know that I have heard you, but you will not really feel heard and understood.

I appreciate and address only part of it – the part I forgot to get the recipe for. I never touch the emotional part.

If I answer, ‘That makes sense, it must seem like your health and well-being are not important to me’, then we’re getting somewhere.

Take a moment to feel the difference.

Learning to listen in this way, where you show interest in understanding the other person’s experience, is one of the key skills you need for a successful relationship.

Talk to me about less fighting and more intimacy. Book your free discovery call here.