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Hearing your child say things like “I’m so dumb,” “I’m stupid,” or “I want to kill myself” can be an intense part of parenting. These moments often stop us in our tracks and activate a strong desire to improve it immediately. While they can feel overwhelming, they’re also more common than many parents realize—especially in elementary school children who are still learning how to put big feelings into words.
This type of language does not automatically mean that something is seriously wrong or that you have done something wrong. Often, it’s a child’s way of expressing distress, frustration, or dominance. This blog is not meant to be exhaustive. This is meant to offer a starting point on how to stay present, grounded and supported when these moments appear.
When children use negative self-talk, our instinct is often to correct it immediately:
- “No you are not.”
- “Don’t say that.”
- “That’s not true.”
When in love, these responses can suddenly stop the conversation. Instead, experiment with curiosity. Simple words like “Tell me more,” or “What happened when you started feeling this way?” let your child know that you are interested in understanding, not correcting or eliminating.
It can also help to know that many children are more receptive when they are not put down. Formal sitting talk often does not go well. Some of the best conversations happen while doing something else—driving in the car, playing with Legos, walking the dog, or doing laundry. These moments feel safer and less intense, making it easier for children to open up.
As you listen, try not to talk quietly. Most of us are uncomfortable with silence and rush to fill the space, especially when we are anxious. But silence can give children time to gather their thoughts and find their words. If you can tolerate the pause, you may be surprised at what your child is willing to share.
Before jumping to conclusions, slow down and get the bigger picture. Have there been changes in your child’s sleep, eating, energy, or mood? Is there a change in friendships, interests, or behavior? External changes are also important – new teachers, a new school, family changes such as divorce, death, or remarriage, or changes in routine, diet or medication. Negative self-talk often makes more sense when seen in context.
Gentle and honest communication goes a long way when you respond. Sometimes it helps to normalize without reducing. You might say, “I remember being your age and sometimes having these thoughts. What do you do when those thoughts appear?”
The truth is important. If you haven’t had that experience, it’s okay to say, “This isn’t something I’ve ever felt before, but I really want to understand what it’s like for you.
Try to fix before confirming. You don’t have to agree with the thought to accept the feeling behind it. Sayings like “That sounds really hard,” “I’m really glad you told me,” and “I’m right here with you” help children feel supported and regulated enough to talk.
It’s also worth paying attention to where these messages might be coming from – peers, siblings, adults, or funny comments. What matters most is how your child experiences it. Along the same lines, pay attention to how you talk about yourself. Children are always listening, and they often internalize the language they hear modeled at home. Casual comments about “so stupid” or “worst of all” can be deeper than we want them to be.
Negative self-talk is not isolated, so keep an eye on the whole child: eating, sleeping, bathing habits, social interactions, and feedback from teachers or caregivers. Teachers can be a valuable resource for understanding what your child is going through during the school day.
If the language feels persistent, exaggerated, or includes self-harming statements, reaching out for additional support is a caring and appropriate step. School counselors can be a great place to start. They do much more than talk to children – they can help them feel more empowered and engaged, support social dynamics, collaborate with teachers, and help identify what a child might need to feel safer and more supported at school.
Also pay attention to media and online content. Even elementary-aged children are more receptive than we realize, and it’s worth checking what messages they’re receiving.
When children talk harshly about themselves, they don’t ask us to correct them. They ask us to listen, stay close, and help them feel emotions that are too big to be alone. You don’t need perfect words. Your silence, curiosity and willingness to stay present is more important than fixing it.
This is a tough and tough part of parenting – and you don’t have to go through it alone.