Skip to content 
A girl named Shelby
In May of 2007, my dear childhood friend, Shelby, was killed by her abusive, abusive and estranged husband. The brutal act was all planned. Weeks after she finally left him, after years of his systematic constriction of her world and the subtle erosion of her independence, he stalked her, tampered with her truck’s gas tank, followed her to the side of the road to investigate the problem, and shot her twice in the head at close range. With an unmistakable suspect in sight and through a quick web of law enforcement officers, Shelby’s killer was caught within hours, and he confessed within days.
Unresponsive, Shelby spent two days in the hospital on life support before she succumbed to her injuries. When the police confessed, her father came in to tell his unconscious daughter that they had arrested her. At that moment, her mother, father, sister and I surrounded her hospital bed and showered her with love as she breathed her last.
Taken by the Abuser’s Playbook
Before this tragic event, my last conversation with Shelby was filled with relief as she told me she was leaving her controlling husband. Witnessing her journey to escape from him was commendable and courageous, and I told her how proud I was of her. She knew my concerns about him from the nanosecond I met her.
Shelby and I met in sixth grade when she exuded a lively, adventurous energy with me – she was the new kid, first day of school, and we were kindred spirits and ‘all things silly’ partners before we knew each other’s names.
She was a strong, vivacious, hard-working, spirited girl known for her grit, stubbornness, and cheerful, happy-go-lucky spirit—and despite that personality, she tragically found herself in a sticky, fragile, toxic web of emotional abuse and coercion.
Her story serves as a stark reminder that abusers come in many forms—colleagues, family members, mentors, or even cheaters. Their methods include a variety of overt and covert abuse, including emotional, physical, sexual, financial and technological manipulation. Whatever the type, they are usually someone you trust, and they all use similar tactics to exploit and harm you.
Nice website
Violence doesn’t have to be physical – emotional violence is just as damaging. Covert emotional abuse and coercive control can best be identified by losing the election. “The real danger of coercive control is that it teaches you to control yourself. In the end the abuser doesn’t even need to abuse anymore, because you’ve just abused yourself,” write prominent domestic abuse prevention advocates Luke and Ryan Hart.
A hidden precursor to abuse is ‘possession’ – it’s the opposite of mutuality. At first, hopeful and open-minded people like Shelby often unconsciously mistake ‘control and manipulation’ as expressions of ‘love and loyalty’ – slowly falling into which abuse prevention specialist. Amy Saltzman, MD calls out, “a sticky web of stealth”.
Recognizing the warning signs is critical to protecting yourself and your loved ones from emotional and physical abuse. With understanding and support, ‘independents’ can regain their autonomy and rewrite their own narrative – breaking free from the shackles of coercive control to enter a future filled with strength, hope and love.
Patterns of Manipulation: Identifying the Top 6 Red Flags
Love Bombing: Abusers shower their target with love, attention, pampering and gifts to build trust – masking their true intentions. This face of kindness is designed to trick people into loving them and creating a sense of belonging in the recipient. Dr. Saltzman describes this tactic as a deception that can undermine one’s “intelligent self”—the part of you with instincts and inner wisdom that helps distinguish between right and wrong.
A truly secure and emotionally healthy person will never ask you to trust or deceive them.
Gas lighting: Manipulative abusers use this type of overly sticky lie to distort the truth, planting doubt in their victims’ minds about what is true, slowly making you feel guilty for thinking they are abusing. They make you believe that your boundaries are aggressive, manipulating you to stop questioning their actions. They can say, “You can trust me!” or phrases like “You’re too sensitive,” “You don’t deserve good things,” “You overreact,” or “If you loved me, you’d understand.”
Being gassy can be especially frustrating for people who try not to upset others or go back on their promises. If asserting your boundaries offends someone, consider that a red flag. Sometimes, the kindest acts may not be loved; A truly supportive person will encourage you to avoid breaking harmful contracts.
threat: When confronted or questioned by a ‘sensible’ person, abusers resort to threats, insults, intimidation, blame shifting and use physical violence to maintain control. They may use phrases like, “No one complains,” “You’re nothing without me,” “Stop being a victim,” “You better not make me mad.”
Someone trying to force control may try to change the narrative and claim that you have harmed them – “You and this relationship are the reason I didn’t get that promotion!”
Along with gaslighting, this is where villains convince you to tell your own lies. Survivors spend a lot of time thinking about trying to please their abuser, fearing that they will drive them crazy, and believing that they are to blame.
Differentiation: A toxic and controlling spouse will cut you off from your support system. Their goal is to actively prevent honest and understanding communication with you, to avoid exposure. Those who understand the situation can offer support and reveal the truth.
They may make it difficult to visit and communicate with family and friends, track your location and phone calls, gain control of your money, convince you that your supportive friends and family are not good for you or that they have a negative opinion of you, and spread rumors and lies such as, “Your friends are jealous,” “They’re liars,” and “Your family just doesn’t love me.”
“They trick you into displacing your rational fears and anxieties from the abuser and the people who love you,” says Saltzman. Ultimately, a controlling partner disconnects you from your ‘intelligent self’, the part of you that knows the truth about their behavior.
Appreciation: In order to control how they are perceived, abusers exaggerate their qualities and achievements. Controlling partners hide their deep insecurities, and exaggerate their importance by managing how they appear. They tell you how great they are to convince you to stay and make you afraid to leave, – especially when they think you are over them.
They often describe themselves as very smart, humble, insightful, rich, creative, flexible, extraordinary, or eager to grow. By emphasizing their importance and that you think they are unique, they trick you into spreading their propaganda and praising others for them.
Implementation of Traditional Rules and Gender Roles: Abusers often impose rigid and one-sided rules and gender norms to assert dominance and control within a relationship. Such behavior reinforces power imbalances and perpetuates harmful stereotypes. They justify their beliefs and actions, for example, the idea that women should be subservient and men should be breadwinners and rulers. This control can extend to dictating conditions in various aspects of one’s health and body, including regulating exercise, appearance, eating, and even sexual intercourse.
The Road to Salvation
In September 2020, the Governor of California, Gavin Newsom, signed a bill to amend the Domestic Violence Prevention Act to ensure that Enforcement Enforcement covers domestic violence. There are many states Laws of Coercive Controlwhich specifically includes enforcement actions – including California, Colorado, Connecticut, Hawaii, and Washington.
It is difficult to witness a loved one suffer any form of abuse, but there are steps you can take to effectively support them. Start by listening non-judgmentally and express your concern for their safety. Encourage them to learn what abuse is, to lean on you, and offer emotional support without pressure to make quick decisions. Help them find available resources such as National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233), sheltersor consulting services. Consider creating a safety plan together and assist them in accessing professional help.
A Future Free from Fear
In honor of Shelby and all abuse survivors, it is important to raise awareness about the patterns and tactics used by abusers. For those who have experienced abuse or know someone who has, remember that you are not alone. There is support, and safety and recovery are possible.
By reaching out for help and surrounding yourself with caring people, you can break free from the cycle of abuse and rebuild a life filled with love, strength and hope. Stay strong, believe in your resilience, and let us be united in our resolve to create a world where love is never a weapon, but a source of strength and power.