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One of the biggest changes about relationships that I can share with you is that your relationship is a path.
A path to what?
The fairytale fantasy that many of us grow up with is that our relationship will be fulfilling, intense, adventurous, sexy, and wildly inspiring—everything that’s important to us will magically and permanently manifest through our choice of partner.
Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Of course.
This is a lot of pressure on your relationship and partner.
If (or when) your relationship is impossible, intense, adventurous, sexy, and wild, inspiring, he and she become easy targets for blame.
During a very dark period in my marriage, I began to search for answers to my despair, anger, inadequacy, and feelings of being misunderstood and not cared about.
I saw the work of the man who became my teacher and mentor, who invited me to understand that my relationship was a path of spiritual and personal growth.
It was the beginning of a massive, messy, intimate, passionate journey, both high and smart, that turned not only me, but my marriage and my life upside down.
I learned that:
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As much as I wanted to believe that my secure middle-class upbringing was perfect, I grew up in a dysfunctional relationship environment that resonated through all of my romantic relationships.
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I had a deep fear of conflict which created a harmful level of avoidance in my relationships.
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I tend to have a disorganized/fear-distant attachment style.
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I had unhealthy patterns of meeting my needs, feeling wanted and attractive.
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And. Like that. The bridge. A lot of.
By then, I had spent several years in men’s groups learning about responsibility and integrity, spent time in therapy and counseling (with myself and with my ex). But I was just covering the truth of what I needed to understand.
The problems in my marriage still quickly shook its foundations. I carried a lot of anger and confusion about my relationship and blaming my then wife.
The point I was making was the realization that a relationship is a path, not a place.
The beginning of my journey on the road was:
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The more I understood the emotional and relational style I grew up with, the better I understood what I was recreating.
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I needed to do the deep and face-to-face work of understanding and healing my fear of conflict.
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I had to identify my needs, take care of them, and give them voice (even writing this feels overwhelming. I have needs, and they are important).
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I had to accept my patriarchal privileges and expectations.
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I should be more in touch with my feelings.
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I had to learn how to listen in a new way.
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It was my responsibility to create the relationship I wanted, not my partner’s responsibility to magically transform.
With each of these points, there were layers underneath.
Viewing your relationship as a means of massive restructuring shifts the focus from blame and victimization to personal responsibility, ownership, acceptance, and expansion.
It’s a tough road sometimes. Why bother? Why go through the effort?
Because along the way, you experience self-awareness and self-mastery, the possibility of deeper connections with those you care about (including parents, children, and friends), playfulness, belly laughs, and raw sexual pleasure.
It’s worth it every time my teenage son and I have a frank conversation about our bodies, how comfortable my daughter is with me about personal things, the supportive and clearly loving relationship I now have with my dad, how quickly (minutes!) Carina and I can navigate through troubled waters, which in the past can turn into weeks of torture, and the amazing ways we support each other, laugh.
Liberty. Choice. faith It’s easy.
Your path is unique to you, but there are guides waiting for you when you are ready.
walk your way
Matt
Talk to me about less fighting and more intimacy. Book your free discovery call here.