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People usually keep their marriage doubts to themselves. These aren’t the usual worries about the relationship or even feeling stuck in a rut—instead, they’re worries about whether the marriage will survive. It’s scary to think about. If you tell others, you might get unhelpful suggestions like “just listen to your inner voice” or “make a positive and negative list”!
What does the research say?
Research says that aalmost 1 in 5 married people (22%) report having some doubts about whether their marriage will survive. To put it simply, if you have doubts in your marriage, you have a lot of company. But this is not a permanent state of mind, but a surface, as you have already experienced. Sometimes you feel confident about the future of your marriage, and then something happens that puts you in a sad, doubt-filled place. You talk your way back, reminding yourself that you love your partner and that a breakup will hurt a lot of people. But hours, days or weeks later, your doubts return. It’s anxiety-provoking and very unpleasant (to put it mildly). This depressed state of fear may last forever, draining your energy for the future.
It is important to appreciate that marital doubt is a special feeling by its very nature. There is no great public sharing as there might be for career anxiety, or when a family member gets a scary medical diagnosis and you have a cadre of people to monitor your feelings. When you fell in love, everyone knew. But now you might just have a friend or mentor that you open up to. Certainly not your wife! Your anxiety grows from hiding such a vulnerable feeling and from worrying about the dangers of “coming out”.
Many people in the marriage-doubt camp are trying to figure out if their partner can change. This allows some skeptics to unconsciously “test” their partner to see if change is possible. (“If I don’t remember my birthday, will he remember?”) Suspicions grow when a partner fails a test.
Because there is no sharing, the alleged spouse does not know what is going on. Even if they sense the other’s displeasure, they are likely to feel threatened about the future of their marriage. Every marriage has its ups and downs, they think, and they may be anxious about marriage (but not about whether divorce is in the future).
So where do these suspects go on their journey?
At this stage of marital doubt, according to researcher Diane Vaughn, the doubter may ask about marriage counseling. This may sound like a great idea (and hey, we’re big fans of marriage counseling!) but rarely do they come clean, at home or in the therapist’s office, that they’re unsure about the future of their marriage. Why?
Marriage suspects are afraid and unprepared for the crisis, so the work may stop in the treatment room. If you don’t believe your partner can change, and if you believe you don’t have the energy for a marriage without change, it’s no wonder marriage therapy fails so quickly!
What is the average number of couples therapy sessions reported by divorced people? Only four seats. But this is it There is not enough time to study and work on the problems. For these friends, the excuses are often that life gets busy, someone gets sick, someone feels in need of counseling. Basically, there’s no real power to pull away, especially for the naive spouse who thinks things are basically fine.
Sometimes the other spouse says that marriage counseling isn’t necessary or that they don’t have the time or money for it. Especially if they don’t see any warning signs about dating! Doubts, perhaps even unsure of where marriage counseling will work, hold back the desire to start or stay with counseling—and then burn out.
Whether or not there is an attempt at marital therapy, some couples do end up in individual therapy. Sometimes it’s a great experience, especially if the therapist helps them see their part of the marriage’s problems and offers ideas for personal change.
Other times, personal therapy becomes a weekly “crush session,” with no real personal growth and a one-sided view of the other partner. (It’s hard for individual therapists to see the perspective of a partner who isn’t their client.) But we think most suspects want personal growth and don’t want to just attack their partner.
When marriage doubts linger long enough, people start thinking about what to do after a divorce. They dream of being single again, and they think about how to prepare for that possibility – almost. This could mean starting a job, meeting different friends, or not making big commitments for the future, like renovating a house.
This creates more distance in the marriage, something they don’t want, but the downside is that voicing suspicions to a partner can send them into crisis mode. They don’t know how their partner will respond – constructively, negatively, or in panic? Now two people may be in a dilemma – and bring their worst selves to the situation!
But here’s the thing: The more you prepare for a possible divorce without telling your partner, the more blindsided they’ll be when you tell them—and the more likely your worst suspicions will be realized.
You may ask, then how does the marriage doubt end? In the three simplest “end game” scenarios of marriage doubt, the following can happen:
– Doubt fades away, marriage is replaced by normal ups and downs but without edges and worries about commitment and stability. You go back in, with perhaps only occasional lapses of doubt. You can go there alone or with help.
– Doubt turns into crisis when it is shared with the spouse before the decision to end the marriage. Sometimes a crisis with the help of counseling or alone as a couple leads to real change, and doubts disappear. Other times it leads to divorce, but with enough time for the spouse to understand what is going on and for both of you to try to save the marriage if possible. This shows the benefit of sharing doubts with a partner before deciding to divorce – it gives them the chance to respond well and come to terms – even if it’s scary because you don’t know how they will react.
– Doubt is not shared and turns into a sudden declaration of divorce – a kind of “Dear John” argument: “I’m leaving you, I have a lawyer and I suggest you get one.” Of course, this is extremely frustrating for the other spouse and can later lead to bitter divorces and complicated co-parenting. However, it may be necessary if the other spouse is a threatening person who can cause great harm if told prematurely.
If you or someone you know is having marital doubts, there’s hope for understanding what’s going on, gaining more clarity, and getting out of the emotional rut! Consider Fairness Counseling to help you clarify, gain clarity, and make a decision that will give you peace of mind! The Contact and Approach Center in West Des Moines, IA provides Legal Counseling in 1-5 sessions. Learn more here.